Final Fantasy Eight Interviews
by Sacreligious Stigmatic
Summary: Another ficcie from ZBG and H! A sad attempt at humour as we interview the cast of FF8. R/R!!! :)
1. Interviewing Squall

Author: *Hikaru* and Zell Bondage Girl  
Subject: Final Fantasy 8 {Bad Humour involved!!!}  
E-mail Address: *Hikaru*- Hikaru_Rayearth@Hotmail.Com, Zell Bondage Girl- Zell-Bondage-Girl@Another.Com  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Another Note from the Disturbed Authors  
  
ZBG: Okay, this is basically just us interviewing the cast of FF8. Each chapter will have a new person to interview.   
  
H: It's kinda funny actually.   
  
ZBG: Yup, so be warned.   
  
H: I feel sorry for Rinoa when it's her turn.   
  
ZBG: -Evil Laugh- Mwahahahahahahhaha!!!!!  
  
H: {All: Creeeeeeeeepppppyyyyyy}  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Chapter One: Interviewing Squall  
  
  
  
  
  
  
ZBG: Hello! And welcome to Cooking With Mwa!  
  
H: -Blinks- Wrong show, hon.   
  
ZBG: -Sheepish grin- Oh, sorry.... Lemme restart.... Hello! And welcome to ZBG and H's Interviews!!!  
  
H: There ya go.   
  
ZBG: Today, our guest is Squall Leonhart.... Squall?  
  
-Silence-   
  
H: -Coughs-   
  
-Silence-   
  
ZBG: SQUALL!!!!  
  
S: Whatever....  
  
H: Uh.. I guess that will work! How are you, Squall?  
  
S: Does is matter?   
  
ZBG: I guess not!!!  
  
H: Squall, we wanna ask you a few questions, if ya don't mind..   
  
S: Whatever...   
  
ZBG: First off, I wanna let you know... that we have you hooked up to a machine, so that, from now on, anytime that you say "whatever" you will get shocked by alot of electricity, and the theme from Pokemon will start to play on your headphones.   
  
S: Eep..................Dear god... help me.....  
  
H & ZBG: *L*  
  
H: Okay, let's get down to buisness. First off, let's talk about your feelings towards the cast and crew.   
  
S: Wha....Okay.  
  
ZBG: Hehehe, you almost said it!   
  
H: First off, what's your thoughts on Seifer Almasy?   
  
S: Seifer? Um... I don't know.. I guess he's alright..  
  
ZBG: Doesn't he have the cutest ass?!  
  
S: Excuse me?  
  
ZBG: C'mon! You hafta admit it! He's got a GORGEOUS ass!  
  
H: Agreed!  
  
S: Whatever....  
  
-Shock-   
  
S: Ow....  
  
H: Hehehehe, said it that time.   
  
ZBG: Okay, next person, whatcha think of me? You think I'm cute? Wanna go out sometime, pretty boy?   
  
S: I.Think.Not.  
  
ZBG: It's all 'cuz of that slut Rinoa, isn't it?! Oh, you just wait 'till I get my hands on her!!! She's dead!!!  
  
H: Calm down!  
  
S- -Sigh-   
  
H- Okay, whatcha think of... Zell Dincht?   
  
S: Zell's a loud annoying hyper-active dumbass.   
  
ZBG: Well, aren't we just Mister Sunshine today?!  
  
H: *G*   
  
ZBG: Okay... Whatcha think of.... Selphie Tilmitt?   
  
S: Selphie's....loud...definetly loud.. I think she should stay away from the coffee.   
  
H: -Smacks Squall- Hey! Selphie's deeper than that!  
  
S: Ow.   
  
ZBG: Hehehehehe....  
  
H: What do you think of Irvine Kinneas?   
  
S: ..............  
  
ZBG turns and whispers to Squall... Squall shakes his head... ZBG points to the machine and begins to hum the theme to Pokemon.   
  
H: Well?  
  
S: ...............he's.......hot.......  
  
ZBG: *G* I knew it!  
  
H: Hehehehe.   
  
S: -Sigh-   
  
ZBG: Okies, whatcha think of Quistis Tepe?   
  
S: -Gets this faraway look- Quisty is..............  
  
ZBG & H wait for Squall to say something romantic.   
  
S:......................................................... my instructor!  
  
ZBG falls off of her chair. H sighs.   
  
H: What's your opinion on cheese?   
  
S: What?   
  
ZBG: Yeah, what do you think of cheese?   
  
S: I don't like cheese.   
  
ZBG & H's mouth drop open.   
  
H: That's just.....wrong...  
  
ZBG: Totally....  
  
S: -Stands up- And you know what? This is a stupid interview with stupid questions.. I'm leaving now.   
  
ZBG tackles Squall and pins him to the floor, beating him savagely.   
  
H: Heh...well...erm...that's it for this show! Stay tuned for the next thrilling episode!!!  
  
-Pokemon theme starts to play, and the screen drifts out, Squall's screams lingering in the background-   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
ZBG- A sad attempt at humour.   
  
H: Yup, I never was very funny.   
  
ZBG: Me neither.   
  
H: Squall scares me though.   
  
ZBG: He has a nice ass.   
  
H: Agreed.   
  
Irvy: Stay tuned for the next thrilling chapter in "FF8 Interviews". Who will be interviewed next? -Prays to God that it's him-   
  
H: In your dreams, man whore.   
  
ZBG: o.0  
  
  
  
  
  
  
* This ficcie is property of ZBG and H. Final Fantasy 8 and it's characters are property of Squaresoft. We don't know who owns Pokemon, but we feel for them. H is property of ZBG and ZBG is property of the fish. You all are still our slaves. :) 


	2. Poor Seifie

Chapter Two: Interviewing Seifer  
  
  
ZBG: Okay, and we're back!  
  
H: Yes! And today's guest is... -looks at her papers- Seifel? Seifie?   
  
ZBG whispers to H.  
  
H: Oh yeah, right! Seifer Almasy!  
  
ZBG: Hi Seifie!  
  
S: It's Seifer, thank you.   
  
ZBG & H: Okay, Seifie!  
  
S sighs.   
  
ZBG: So, Seifie, we're just here to ask you some questions.   
  
S: Okay.   
  
H: Right, just get down to buisness. Boy, you don't fool around do you?   
  
S: Whatever...  
  
-Shock-   
  
S: Eee! No fair! I'm not Leonhart!  
  
H: *EvilGrin*  
  
ZBG: It works for whoever we want, with whatever word we want.   
  
S: ...................  
  
H: Okies! First question, do you know how to cook?   
  
S: What?   
  
ZBG: -Slowly- She...said...do...you..know..how..to...cook?   
  
S: No, I understood what she was saying, it's just.. aren't you gonna ask my opinion on everyone?   
  
H: Why would we do that?   
  
S: 'Cuz that's what you asked Squall.   
  
ZBG: So?   
  
S: -Sighs- Damn, and I had some good answers wrote down too...   
  
H: Hehehe.   
  
ZBG: So, can ya cook or not?   
  
S: I guess so, why?   
  
ZBG: 'Cuz I'm hungry! And after the show, you're gonna make me some food, just the way I like it, or you'll be singing Pokemon for the rest of your life!  
  
S: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
H: Mwahahahahhaha.   
  
ZBG: {All:Creeeeeeeeepy}  
  
H: Okay, next question. Who do you think is a better couple, Joey and Dawson, or Joey and Pacey?   
  
S: Definetly Joey and Dawson, they're like... soul mates.   
  
H: -Blinks-   
  
ZBG: You watch Dawson's Creek?   
  
S: Erm....of course not!!! Only chicks watch that shit!!!  
  
H: Hey! I watch DC!  
  
ZBG: Haha, I don't! But, Seifie does!  
  
S: Whatever.   
  
-Shock-   
  
H: Woohoo! That's twice in one interview! Wanna go for three?   
  
S: ................................  
  
ZBG: Hehe. Okay, here's 'nother one, whose better, NSYNC or BSB?   
  
S: I hate 'em both!  
  
ZBG: Me too!  
  
H: Yeah! Death to the boy bands!  
  
ZBG: Woohoo!  
  
H: Booyaka!  
  
ZBG: Hehe  
  
S:...............................  
  
ZBG: Damn, we're almost outta time.   
  
H: Okay, then, one final question, how does it feel to have everyone hate your guts and to know that there's a contract out on your life, only worth 25cents?  
  
S: There's a contract out on my life?! -Panics- OH MY GOD I'M GONNA DIE!!!!  
  
ZBG: -Giggles-   
  
Seifie runs away screaming like a little girl.   
  
H: Well, I guess that concludes our show.   
  
ZBG: Guess so.   
  
H: Not a very productive show, eh?   
  
ZBG: Not at all.   
  
H: I don't like Seifie anymore, he's no fun.   
  
ZBG: Me neither... but he has a cute ass!  
  
H: Agreed!  
  
ZBG: So, anyway, kiddies, stayed tuned for next weeks show!  
  
H: Yupyup, g'night!  
  
Irvy: Hey! Those were my lines!!!  
  
-Thump-   
  
H: Shuddap Kinneas.   
  
ZBG: Yeah, go mop the floor man whore!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
* H: Each chapter we add, it gets sadder and sadder.   
  
ZBG: Can it get any sadder than this?   
  
H: Let's hope not.   
  
ZBG: o.0  
  
H: Hope you liked this new chapter of "Final Fantasy 8 Interviews" let us know who you want to see interviewed next, or the questions you want them asked!!!   
  
ZBG: Yupyup! Both of our e-mail addresses are at the top of the first chapter!!   
  
H: C-ya!  
  
ZBG: Bye!  
  
  
  
  
  
*Final Fantasy 8 is property of a square that is soft. This ficcie belongs to George Washington, the original person-that-tried-to-be-funny-but-failed-miserably. ZBG is property of her cat, Salem, and H is property of Grant, the sex god. The name Hikaru is property of MKRE and we still feel sorry for the people who own Pokemon... our deepest regrets.. you are still our slaves, but we're thinking about selling you to Barbara Walters.... o.0 Hehehe. J/K.......maybe. :p * 


	3. Interviewing Cid Kramer

Chapter Three: Interviewing Cid Kramer  
  
  
ZBG: Hi again!  
  
H: Yup! It's us! We're back! Betcha hoped we croaked or something, didn't ya?   
  
ZBG: o.0   
  
H: Anyway... who are we interviewing today?  
  
ZBG shifts through her papers then groans.  
  
H: Who is it?   
  
ZBG: -Frowns- Cid Kramer...  
  
H: Icky Sticky purple goo!  
  
ZBG: -Sighs- Oh well, so's life.   
  
H: Hiya Ciddy-Widdy!  
  
C: Hello, girls.   
  
ZBG rolls her eyes.   
  
H pokes ZBG in the ribs.   
  
ZBG: You ready to be interviewed or what, old man?   
  
H: Hey! Be nice! He's our guest!  
  
C: It's okay, Hikaru, some people where never taught any manners.   
  
ZBG glares at Cid.  
  
H: Hey! She's my friend! Don't talk about her like that!  
  
C: Whatever.   
  
-Silence-   
  
C: Hey, how come I didn't get shocked?   
  
ZBG and H *EvilGrin*  
  
H: Hehehehehehe.   
  
ZBG: Okay, let's get down to work, 'kay?   
  
C: Alright....  
  
H: First off, how did it feel to give the order to have your wife killed?   
  
C: Actually, it felt really good. All that woman does is nag, bitch and complain. Plus, she's lousy in bed.   
  
H: o.0  
  
ZBG: No, old man, I think you got it wrong. Edea is cool. She does her makeup really wikked.   
  
H: Yeah!  
  
C: Okay.   
  
ZBG:............. Can you say fish for me?   
  
C: Why?   
  
H: Erm... 'cuz you have a cute accent! Now say fish! Damnit!  
  
C: ....................................................fish.  
  
-Shock-   
  
ZBG and H giggle.  
  
C: That was not nice of you, young ladies, I think you need to be taught some respect for your elders.   
  
ZBG draws the Sword of Truth: No, I think YOU need to be taught some lessons, old man!  
  
H: Calm down!! Put the sword of Truth away! This is not a Terry Goodkind book and you are not Richard Cypher!  
  
ZBG grins: If I can be Richard Cypher, you can be Kahlana.   
  
H giggles.   
  
C: Okay.. I'm lost here...   
  
ZBG puts the sword away: Say, do you know how to cook fish?   
  
C: Fish? Why?   
  
-Shock-   
  
H: Hehehehe...that was so wrong ZBG!...hehehehe...  
  
ZBG: o.0  
  
C: That's it.. I'm through with this interview.. I knew better than to come here and let you wild animals ask me idiotic questions.   
  
ZBG: Oh no you just didn't go there! You betta back up, bitch!  
  
H: Whassup?! You want some?! Come get you some!!  
  
H and ZBG fall into hysterical laughter.   
  
C rolls his eyes.   
  
H: Okay! That's all of our time for today!   
  
ZBG: Yeah! Come back for more tomorrow!   
  
Cid rises to leave.   
  
ZBG pushes him back down.   
  
ZBG: Where you think ya goin', old one?   
  
C: The shows over.   
  
H: Hehehe.. not for you it isn't..   
  
-The shows fades out, you can distantly hear the sound of Cid's muffled screams, ZBG & H's laughter, and the theme to Pokemon.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
*  
H: Poor Ciddy-Widdy.   
  
ZBG: Yeah, he got worse than dear ole' Squally-Wally Foo-Foo!  
  
H: Squally-Wally Foo-Foo?  
  
H raises an eyebrow.   
  
ZBG: What?!  
  
H: hehehe... nadda.   
  
ZBG: Well, that's it for the third chapter of FF8 Interviews! Hope you at least considered laughing!  
  
H: I doubt it.. We're not funny people.   
  
ZBG: Yeah.. People like us shouldn't be allowed to write humourous fan ficcies.   
  
H: It's just wrong..   
  
ZBG: Agreed...  
  
ZBG & H laugh.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
*FF8 is still property of SS. The name Hikaru is still property of MKRE. The Sword of Truth, Richard Cypher and Kahlana are all property of Terry Goodkind. You are also property of Terry Goodkind, 'cuz we kinda bet you in a game of strip poker... and lost.... heheh.. woopsie! H is property of goldfishes, and ZBG is property of the vampire god formely known as Lestat... I mean... Grant... erm... yeah... hehehehe*   



	4. Interviewing Irvy

Chapter Four: Interviewing Irvy  
  
H: Hi!  
  
ZBG: Yup! It's us again!  
  
H: Mwahahahaha!   
  
ZBG: {All: Creeeeeeepy}  
  
H: Who's our guest today?   
  
ZBG: Irvine Kinneas.   
  
H: Erm.. ya know.. Irvine's Girl asked us to be nice to him.. and we never deny a fan... so...  
  
ZBG: Erm.. right.. Irvy?   
  
Irvy: Well, hello, ladies. Might I say that you both look lovely tonight.   
  
H blushes.   
  
ZBG: *ahem* How are ya doing?   
  
I: I'm okay, how about you, doll?   
  
ZBG: Doll? Erm... I'm okay.   
  
H: {Drools} Me too..   
  
I: How 'bout you two beautiful women ask me some questions, and then I take you both out to dinner, my treat?   
  
H: Whatever you say, Irvy-Wirvy.   
  
ZBG: o.0 Erm... Let's just ask some questions! First, is it true that after the end of FF8 you and Selphie Tilmitt hooked up?   
  
I: Well, I'm not one to settle down..   
  
H: So that's a no?   
  
I: But, I like Selphie alot...  
  
ZBG: So that's a yes?   
  
I: Maybe.   
  
ZBG&H: Sigh.   
  
H: Okay, Irvy, next question.   
  
I: Shoot.   
  
ZBG draws her gun.   
  
H: Zell!  
  
ZBG: He said shoot!  
  
H: He didn't mean literally!  
  
ZBG {Disappointed}: Oh..   
  
H: How do you feel about all the Zelphie ficcies out there?   
  
I: First off all, I wanna make this clear, you CAN'T rape the willing!  
  
ZBG: So, Selphie's willing?   
  
I: Uh.. I didn't say that...  
  
H: So, she won't give it up?   
  
I: I didn't say that either!  
  
ZBG: Just answer the question, sir.   
  
I: Um... -Looks at the camera- LISTEN TO ME, DINCHT! YOU WILL NEVER, EVER, GET SELPHIE! SHE'S MY GIRLFRIEND AND SHE LOVES ME! NOT YOU! SO..... GO MARCH IN A GAY PRIDE PARADE OR SOMETHING!  
  
ZBG: o.0  
  
H {Sadly}: So, you are dating Selphie...  
  
I {Blushes}: I plead the fifth.   
  
ZBG: Hehehe.   
  
H pouts.   
  
ZBG: Okay, Irvy, have you slept with Selphie Tilmitt?   
  
I: Wha?! Aren't you getting kinda personal?!  
  
ZBG: You have! Haven't you?! Admit it!  
  
I: ERRRRRRRRRMMMMMMMMMMMMM...........AHHHHHHHHH.........UHHHHHHHH........UMMMMMMMM......  
  
H: I think I'm gonna cry...   
  
ZBG: o.0  
  
I: I DID NOT HAVE SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH THAT WOMAN!  
  
H: ???  
  
ZBG: ???  
  
I: ..............nevermind....  
  
H: ......Right....  
  
ZBG: .......Uh-huh....   
  
I: Hey, ZBG, I've got a question for you.   
  
ZBG: Hey! We ask the questions here!  
  
H: Zell! Let Irvy ask a question! -Drools-  
  
ZBG: Hmph...fine...but JUST one!  
  
I: Okay, ZBG, why do you call me a man-whore? Why are you so mean to me? -Starts to cry- What'd I ever do to you to make you hate me?   
  
ZBG: -Blinks- Actually, when I first got the game, I fell in love with you... but, then I read FlowerGirl862000's fan ficcie, and fell in love with Zell and Seifie, and began to hate you.   
  
I: WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! I'm not gay! I'm not a man-whore! I love Sefie!  
  
H runs off crying.   
  
ZBG: Erm... that concludes this show! Bye everyone! -Chases after H-  
  
I: -Grins- Heheheh... Hey ladies... if you're looking for a goodtime... my number is 1-900-MAN-WHORE.   
  
ZBG: I heard that!  
  
I: Eep! -Runs off-  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
H: Not amusing at all... -sniffles-  
  
ZBG: Nah, can't be funny when ya can't be mean....gr.... :p  
  
H: I just wanna go lie down now...   
  
-H walks off-   
  
ZBG: What she sees in that guy, I'll never know... Hmmm... I wonder who we're interviewing next.... -shifts through her papers and check- Hehehehehe.... This'll be REALLY fun! -EvilGrin-  
  
Pikachu: Stay tuned for next weeks episode of "Final Fantasy 8 Interviews"! And remember......PIKA PIKA!!!  
  
-ZBG kills Pikachu-  
  
  
  
  
*This ficcie was sold to a cardboard box for free. FF8 is still property of SS. FlowerGirl862000 is a wonderful YAOI fan ficcie author, and we pray to God she doesn't sue our asses. :) Pikachu sadly belongs to someone.. 1-900-MAN-WHORE is not a real number... Erm... I don't think... Dunno.. Never tried it out... H is property of Grant and ZBG is property of Angelina Jolie.* 


	5. Interviewing ......?????

Chapter Five: Interviewing... ????  
  
  
H: Hello!  
  
ZBG: Welcome back!  
  
H: Who are we interviewing today?  
  
ZBG starts to laugh hysterically.   
  
H: ???  
  
ZBG laughs so hard she pees her pants.   
  
H: o.0  
  
ZBG blushes.  
  
H: Well? Who is it?   
  
ZBG: *Giggles* Well...erm...hehehehe....  
  
H: OUT WITH IT!!! WHO ARE WE INTERVIEWING?!   
  
ZBG: *Grin* We are interviewing.....ta-da... Quisty!  
  
H: ??? What's so funny about that?   
  
ZBG: Well, in my first ficcie, "The New Girl" I originally planned to have Quisty be the one to kidnap the headmaster, but, I decided on Rinoa 'cuz she's a slut, and would actually do something like that.   
  
H: And?   
  
ZBG: Quisty hates me... hehehe...  
  
H: Ooooooooooohhhhhhh... I see... o.0  
  
ZBG: Hello, Quisty.   
  
H: Hiya Quisty.   
  
Q: Hi Hikaru.........................  
  
ZBG: HELLO!  
  
Q: How are you, Hikaru?   
  
H: I'm okay, how about you?   
  
Q: Great.   
  
ZBG: HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOO????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
H: That's good to hear. How's your marriage going with Squall?"  
  
Q: Great, how's your relationship with...?   
  
H: I'm not dating anyone...  
  
Q: That's too bad, I know this great guy that you would like alot.   
  
H: Really? Who? What's this name?   
  
ZBG runs straight into a wall: CAN ANYBODY HEAR ME?!  
  
Q: His name is Greg, he's a student at Balamb Garden, quite cute, if you ask me.   
  
H: Cool, I think I'd like to meet him sometime.   
  
ZbG jumps up and down: HELLO!? AM I INVISIBLE OR WHAT?!  
  
Q: Okay, we can make it a double date. You and Greg and me and Squall.   
  
H: Kewl beans!  
  
Q: :)  
  
ZBG Cuts off an arm: Oh no! I'm dying! Someone help me!  
  
Q: So, whatcha wanna talk about?   
  
H: Umm............ How's life as an instructor?   
  
Q: Great, I'm really getting the hang of this teaching thing!  
  
H: Cool.   
  
ZBG cuts off the other arm: OUCH! DAMNIT! HELP ME!  
  
Q: Do you hear something?   
  
H: It's just the wind.   
  
Q: That's what I thought.   
  
ZBG cuts off a leg: My leg! Oh my god! I have only one leg!  
  
H: Whose your favourite Sailor Scout?   
  
Q: Hmmmmmm........ I always like Sailor Mars.   
  
H: o_0 Mine's Sailor Mercury!  
  
Q: Mars, Fire, Ignite!  
  
H: Mercury, Bubbles, Blast!  
  
ZBG cuts off another leg: My leg! Oh my god! I have no legs! How can I walk now?!  
  
H: You wanna go get a capachino?   
  
Q: Shure.   
  
H&Q walk off, talking a mile a minute.   
  
ZBG: dying.....slowly........no blood........ack.........gasp.........hack............grrrrrr.........damn........you.........quisty........argh! -dies-  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
*  
  
ZBG: Thank you, I'm dead now.   
  
H: Hehehehe. Stay tuned for next weeks episode!  
  
ZBG: GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR........... I don't like you very much!  
  
H: ;)  
  
  
  
* Blah blah blah, you know who you are * 


End file.
